A night of Reconciliation

Last week Beth and I drove to Elgin to witness our friends' reaffirmation of their  marriage vows. These friends had had some marital problems that will most likely in the end be the saving of their marriage.

About a year ago, the husband confessed that he had a sex addiction. He decided to deal with the issue the right way, or a least a right way.  He sought and found healing by going to a church-led group similar to SAA. And he went through a 9 month program called Redeemed Lives, started by a man (Mario Bergner) who came out of a homosexual lifestyle. He lives on the east coast now, but has ministry that deals with healing in sexual brokenness. The program incorporates Scripture, small groups, healing prayer, solid psychological teaching (family origins, maladaptive tendencies, etc.) He also spoke with a friend about his addiction and the process of reconciling his marriage every day for about two months. The couple separated for several months, too. The last year has been full of sadness and loneliness; a long painful journey for them both. It's also been full of relying upon God and their community of believers for strength and wisdom.

That night we who were witnesses celebrated their courage to not hide their problems or hide from them. It was a deeply joyous occasion devoid of pretenses. No one there thought the couple had it all together. Personally, the all-too-familiar pull to put on a public image other than my real self simply stopped its pulling.  Their vulnerability made us all more vulnerable; more real; more human.

I'm sharing this story as a model of Christian discipleship. We should expect that following Jesus will include one stretching, faith-building and humbling step after another. By facing their problems head-on and relying upon the help of Christ and the church, our friends have put themselves on the journey of reconciliation and marital health.

The night of reconciliation stood in opposition to the the powerful notion that Christianity involves an arrival; a being set; having our house in order. Our faith does involve working towards holiness, but my experience tells me that when we think we've arrived we haven't. Working towards holiness is always an undressing, and there is no Christianity without that undressing. My prayer for our friends is that they don't understand this last year as an unseemly anomaly in their Cristian journeys or in their marriage, but as the pattern to be expected until death do them part.

MY MESS Part 2, A Boon on the Road

One of the things that has been hardest about these first 6 weeks of school is their juxtaposition with the last 4 years. I have been used to success. I haven't had a behavioral problem that really worried me for a long time. Experiencing failure at work, even temporary failure as I hope this is, is foreign to me. Last year I worked towards the prestigious National Board Certification and all my co-workers were sure I would achieve. My school's reading coach told me I was one of the best teachers she'd ever seen, and she made sure I knew she was serious. The compliments rained in. And now, at a new school, failures are bountiful.

So last Wednesday morning I took some time to pray about school. That's when the notion began that I should pray for salvation. Right after I did, as I was brushing my teeth, a Sara Groves song lyric popped into my head, "I pray for an idea, and a way I cannot see."

The lyric's song is "The Long Defeat," and I believe God has given it to me to pray during this season of my life. It is my prayer for salvation.


I have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean

so conditioned for the win
to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's den
I've heard of other glories

I pray for an idea
and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

I can't just fight when I think I'll win
that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more
than a possible defeat

I pray for an idea
and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

We walk a while we sit and rest
we lay it on the altar
I won't pretend to know what's next
but what I have I've offered

I pray for a vision
and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

I pray for inspiration
and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

MY MESS, Part 1: A Cry for Salvation

I have normally stuck with blogging about overarching principles: society, or God, or some political issue. It's the stuff my mind gravitates towards, and it interests me, and I could spend more time than I should writing about it. But I'm sort of consumed these days with what are for me some major challenges at work, and I think it's time after spending most of my posts weighing in on the world's problems that I share my own.

I'm having a hard school year.

For the last four years, at my previous school, teaching 4th and 5th graders to read took most of my time and energy. I taught about 10 kids to read each year, which was deeply gratifying, life changing, and really fun work.

The group of sixth graders I have this year is overwhelming. I've spent hours designing and implementing behavioral plans that aren't producing any noticeable result. I have a boy who calls me names and refuses or resists doing his work, or anything appropriate, all day. Today he showed up to school at 11:30 without a book bag and acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Everyone at the school knows his family and tells me he'll just get worse as the years go on. I have a girl who within the first six weeks has spread the rumor that she herself is pregnant, slapped and pushed two other girls, and come to school with hickies (sp? I've never needed to spell that til now!) She got suspended today, so I have a one week reprieve. I have another boy who is full of potential but doesn't like to work. He just mopes around the room as slowly as you can imagine, and starts looking for his materials right when everyone else is finishing. I have another boy with impulsivity issues; he shouts out whatever comes to mind. I don't know how well you remember sixth grade, but the things that run through a sixth grader's mind should not be shouted.

Yesterday things boiled to a head. I lost control of my own classroom. I could not teach and did not know how to respond to how the kids were acting. This is my 7th full school year as a teacher and it felt like my first week. I have no answers.

I've been praying for salvation. You know how David constantly asks for or thanks God for His salvation throughout the Psalms? Well that's what I'm asking for. I don't know if God will save me from this situation, or if He'll bring me an idea that will save me from it's messiness. I don't know if He will save me by strengthening me to endure or if He will save my students from their hellish lives. I do believe that it is He who saves, and I know that I have no idea how to go forward.

And that's where I am

Coming soon: MY MESS, Part 2: A Boon on the Road

The Joy of Sales Resistance

I just re-read this little essay by Wendell Berry called "The Joy of Sales Resistance." I first read it about a year ago and it has changed me, and I'm glad for having been changed. Here, you can read it for yourself. It's better to read Berry from a book, but I can't put a link to a book in my blog, so just read this instead.